EPISODE 22: THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SOCIAL MEDIA WITH JESSICA MANN

January 4, 2021 Soheila Hakimi

EPISODE 22: THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SOCIAL MEDIA WITH JESSICA MANN

* Please Note - Some links in this post may be affiliate links *

Hello Friends and welcome back to the Is That Soh Podcast!

Today on the podcast I have a dear friend and absolute powerhouse of a woman joining me, Jessica Mann AKA The Blonde Mann.

For those who don’t know Jessica, she is a beauty and lifestyle creator on Instagram who also currently resides in Toronto. Guided by vulnerability, Jessica connects with her audience through authentic storytelling and creating raw beauty tutorials. She’s also one of the funniest people I know! So, even if you don’t share the same love for makeup, her personality is hard to resist and you can’t help but be drawn to her.

Further, Jessica also knows the importance of building beauty from the inside out and strives to create a community built on trust, long-lasting internet friendship, vulnerability, and realness.

The reason why I asked Jessica to come on the podcast is because she, like me, knows what it’s like to get wrapped up in social media and the toxic dangers that can come from it. Since she is also an advocate of mental health I thought she would make a great guest to talk about the impact of social media and have a depression chat.

I have shared previously on the podcast about my struggles with playing the comparison game and putting my self worth and value into the hands of others and I know she’s no stranger to those destructive patterns and the negative impacts of social media as well.

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Today on the podcast we are going to be talking about Jessica and I’s a personal experience with the effects of social media on our mental health, the trials and tribulations of cultivating a better relationship with social media, and the importance of self-love.

To learn more about Jessica, check out her YouTube channel HERE.

I hope you enjoy this episode about the negative effects of social media and how to cultivate a better relationship with it as much as I did! Feel free to leave your thought below and share how you are being an advocate of mental health in your community!

Also, special thanks to Mattias Friberg for composing the music for this podcast and perfecting my sound!

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- Where To Find Jessica Online -

INSTAGRAM ▶ @theblodnemann
WEBSITE ▶ www.theblondemann.com
YOUTUBE ▶ @theblondemann

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Some women were born to be mothers and I am blessed to have such a nurturing, affectionate and kindhearted one. You have shaped me into the woman I am today and I look forward to learning many more lessons of motherhood from you in the coming years.

35 WEEK BUMPDATE! 🤰🏼

Entering the final stretch of my pregnancy and I’m beginning to slow down 😅 Hormones are raging, feet are swollen, daily naps are a must and my need to nest is in full force.

Luckily we are almost done the basement un

🍋 Our last trip to Italy together vs our first trip to Italy together 🇮🇹

It might be the pregnancy hormones but I’m feeling very sentimental today and I cant believe it’s already been more than seven months since we tied the knot. Tu

If you have any comments or questions about this episode on the impact and negative effects of social media , feel free to leave them below!

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advocate for mental health - negative effects of mental health

EPISODE 15: HOW TO HAVE HARD CONVERSATIONS

October 5, 2020 Soheila Hakimi

EPISODE 15: HOW TO HAVE HARD CONVERSATIONS

* Please Note - Some links in this post may be affiliate links *

Hello Friends and welcome back to the Is That Soh Podcast!

For today’s episode, I thought I would do a little solo show and talk about one theme that I feel has been brought up time and time again throughout the first half of this season. They are situation that occurs in everyone’s life where tough topics need to be discussed and although we may hate to have discussions about them, they are a necessary part of life. So that is why I thought I’d devote today’s episode to developing a playbook oh how to make having them a little bit easier.

If you hate conflict and avoid it as much as possible, know that you are not alone. According to a Harvard Business Review, 67% of managers are uncomfortable talking to the people they manage - and that’s literally their job. However, it is important to understand that conflict avoidance robs you of your energy, power, and emotional freedom, and does not serve you in any way which is why learning how to get conformable having hard conversations is the only way to find relief from a stressful situation!

I hope you enjoy this episode as much as I did! Feel free to leave your thought below!

Also, special thanks to Mattias Friberg for composing the music for this podcast and perfecting my sound!

- Episode Recap -

Learning to sit with yourself and comb through your thoughts - be honest with yourself and acknowledge the need for the conversations
Prep!
- define your ideal outcome
- rehearse with a friend
- choose your language wisely
- watch your body language
Set ground rules
- allow each other time to speak while the other listens - no interrupting!
- name calling, throwing objects, and swearing are off-limits
- allow time out or the ability to initiate a pauses
Be okay with possibly being wrong - You may have misinterpreted the situation or have the wrong information and therefore things aren’t as black and white as you may have originally thought, and that’s okay.
Be honest and straightforward - use specific examples making sure to watch your tone and the words you use so you don't come off accusatory.
Acknowledge your responsibilities and avoidance in dealing with the conflict sooner
Be empathetic, listen and validate - this doesn’t mean you have to agree or change the point you are trying to make, it just makes them feel like they are an even playing field and are able to be heard too.
Make sure not to:
- dominate the conversation
- jump in to fill silence
- interrupt when they are talking
If the conversation starts going sideways, reiterate the reason why you are having the conversation - to maintain mutual respect and problem solve so you can improve the relationship and both of your lives.
It’s okay to disappoint people
- set boundaries if you need to
Stick to your target - as you near the end of the conversation restate your point and offer a possible solution
- brainstorm steps together on how to achieve the solution
Ask questions to make sure they understood everything discussed

- Episode Sources -

Harvard Business Review - Two Thirds Of Managers Are Uncomfortable Communicating with Employees
Forbes - How To Have Difficult Conversations At Work
Oprah - How to Have a Hard Conversation in 7 Steps
Psychology Today - How to Have Difficult Conversations
Fatherly.com - Why Cars Are The Best Place to Have Tough Conversations with Kids
Parenting Across the Gap: Raising Teens in the 21st Century - By Famlily Pyschologist Fred Peipman, Ph.D.

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EPISODE 14: HOW ELLIA MARCUM FOUND HER STRENGTH TO DEAL WITH THE AMBIGUOUS LOSS OF HER FATHER, AN ALCOHOLIC MOTHER, AND WORK THROUGH HER HUSBANDS MARITAL AFFAIR

September 28, 2020 Soheila Hakimi

EPISODE 14: HOW ELLIA MARCUM FOUND HER STRENGTH TO DEAL WITH THE AMBIGUOUS LOSS OF HER FATHER, AN ALCOHOLIC MOTHER AND WORK THROUGH HER HUSBANDS MARITAL AFFAIR

Hello Friends and welcome back to the Is That Soh Podcast!

Today, I have invited mother, wife, daughter and certified mental health coach Ellia Marcum, to come on the podcast to tell us her life story of how she overcame extremely difficult circumstances and personal traumas.

I was first introduced to Ellia when she reached out to me to tell me her story of healing and growth after growing up with an alcoholic mother, experiencing the ambiguous loss of her father, and battling through a betrayal trauma after her husband had a marital affair.

I knew as she ended her story and began to tell me about the reasons why she started her company Mood|Well, that she needed to come on the podcast because much like Myles story in Episode 11, hearing someone be so open, honest and self aware gives us all the courage to face our own personal shame and trauma; and I want to continue to empower this community to talk about what they are going through and express themselves so that we can all overcome barriers holding us back from finding our true purpose and source of happiness. So, here we are!

Ellia Marcum is a Certified Professional Life Coach, a support group facilitator through A Door of Hope, and Mental Health First Responder and Coach. She owns and operated her own business, Mood|Well, where she helps women heal and cope from mental illness and life crises through one-on-one sessions and support groups.

Also, special thanks to Mattias Friberg for composing the music for this podcast and perfecting my sound!

I hope you enjoy this episode as much as I did! Feel free to leave your thought below!

- RESOURCES -

CALL 211 - Or visit https://www.211.org/services/crisis if you are in the United States
Crisis Service Canada
Is That Soh Podcast Mental Health Toolbox Episode
CheckPointOrg - A global resource for local crisis websites and emergency contact Numbers
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma By Bessel van der Kolk M.D

- WHERE TO FIND ELLIA ONLINE -

WEBSITE ▶ Www.MoodWellCoaching.Org
INSTAGRAM ▶ @Mood.Well_Coaching

If you have any comments or questions about this episode, feel free to leave them below

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EPISODE 12: THE DANGEROUS DOWNSIDE TO PERFECTIONISM WITH J. STAMATELOS

September 14, 2020 Soheila Hakimi

EPISODE 12: THE DANGEROUS DOWNSIDE TO PERFECTIONISM WITH J. STAMATELOS

Hello Friends and welcome back to the Is That Soh Podcast!

Today on the podcast, I have invited author, researcher, and coach J. Stamatelos to come on and talk about the dangerous downsides to perfectionism and the importance of self-compassion.

I first became interested in talking with J. after reading an article he wrote about perfectionism, which I thought was both insightful and full of interesting research. I knew after reading it that I just had to ask him to come on the podcast because not only do I think the need to be perfect and perfectionism are on the rise but it can actually be very crippling and incredibly destructive to a person's self-worth.

For those who don’t know J, prior to becoming a coach, he began his career in counter-terrorism and emergency response. Eventually, in his mid 20’s he started to experience internal struggles around chronically feeling “not enough”. After it almost cost him his life, J. began to notice that practically everyone around him was also struggling with the same feelings. Viewing this as a far bigger problem than terrorism, he decided to dedicate himself to discovering why so many people feel this way and what we can do about it.

After years of personal experimentation, working with clients, and digging into the research behind these issues, he has compiled his findings in a book succinctly titled, “Enough.” Spanning everything from how we were raised to economic changes in our society, J outlines why recent generations have experienced a surge in what he calls “anxious insecurity.” More importantly, he also outlines what changes we can make to break these cycles in our own lives.

Today, J. specializes in working with high-achievers who battle with feeling like they’re not enough and helps them overcome their biggest obstacle, themselves.

Also, special thanks to Mattias Friberg for composing the music for this podcast and perfecting my sound!

Author, researcher, and coach J. Stamatelos

- RESOURCES -

WHERE TO FIND J. STAMATELOS

WEBSITE ▶ Www.JamesjStamatelos.com
INSTAGRAM ▶ @InnerStrengthCoach
LINKED IN ▶ James J. Stametelos

If you have any comments or questions about this episode, feel free to leave them below

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EPISODE 9: BREAKING HABITS OF SELF SABOTAGE BY UNDERSTANDING SHAME

July 6, 2020 Soheila Hakimi

EPISODE 9: BREAKING HABITS OF SELF SABOTAGE BY UNDERSTANDING SHAME

Hello and welcome back to the Is That Soh Podcast

Today on the podcast I wanted to talk to you about why we self-sabotage and how by understanding shame, we can break habits that hold us back from believing we are capable of achieving what we want.

The reason why I wanted to talk to you about these topics is because I personally haven’t really been feeling so great lately and it reminded me that a lot of people struggle with this exact thing. Since I was doing the research and going on my own little self-help binge anyways, I decided that it would be useful to also share the information I found with you too so you can better understand your own self-sabotage habits and do what you can to free yourself from what is inevitably holding you back.

“A secret only has power if you keep it a secret.”

Have you ever heard the expression ‘a secret only has power if you keep it a secret’? Well, that is how shame, fear, self-doubt, and regret thrive. They make you question yourself and eat away at your confidence until you begin to self-sabotage your progress until eventually you just give up

Why do people self-sabotage?

A low sense of self-worth - Ironically a lot of people feel they are undeserving of success and happiness and use work to make up for inadequacies they see in themselves. These people hate themselves so much that they overwork themselves until they have no one close around them or are burnt out because deep down they think they are unworthy of true happiness.
Control - Sometimes it feels better to have control over your own failure rather than face the possibility of it blindsiding you and taking you by surprise. Self-sabotage is never a fun thing to do, but it can feel better than spinning out of control for some people.
Imposter syndrome - feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evidence of past success or external proof of being competent. This can result in someone doing the bare minimum and putting the least amount of effort into something so they can act like it doesn’t mean that much to them or if a person is still finding your footing and feel unsure of your own capabilities, they question whether they are smart enough for the job and torture themselves with the possibility of being humiliated when it all becomes revealed to the world that they can’t cut it.

I think imposter syndrome is quite common in today’s society. We always want instant success, instant gratification, instant praise when really we need to give ourselves time to learn, adapt, and grow before we can really start to feel comfortable with our capabilities especially when starting a new role.

“I have not failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

- Thomas Edison after inventing the lightbulb,

Instant success is as probable as winning the lottery and most people have to fail multiple times before they can find the right formula for success. Instead, learn to normalize failure as an opportunity to grow instead of a limit to a person’s abilities.

Needing a scapegoat - Its easier to pawn off your failure by saying, ‘well, I never paid attention in class’ instead of ‘I didn’t understand the material’ or ‘my boss plays favorites’ instead of ‘I failed to show I was more capable for the job’. Using scapegoats are an easy way for people to brush off their own failures or willingness to address and recorrect their own behaviors.
Lack of motivation - you have a list of stuff you need to do but instead, procrastinate until it becomes too late to get any of it done. A lack of motivation is also how we find excuses for focusing on other things besides the task at hand like needing to clean your apartment or folding laundry before you can actually sit down and get to work.

I know I’m often guilty of doing all the little, easy stuff on my ‘to-do list’ first instead of investing my time on bigger tasks that would actually move the needle forward because they seem so daunting. This often tends to lead to the feeling of being perpetually stuck in one place because I’m ‘faking productivity’. I’m not actually doing anything productive to achieving my goals, I’m only maintaining what I have done so far, which perpetuates this vicious cycle of lacking further motivation because I’m not seeing any progress.

Connection is why we are here. The ability to feel a connection is what drives us as a society. We have this innate desire to stay connected our biggest fear and where shame thrives, is the worry of becoming disconnected.

Here is the thing about shame though, it loses its power when you talk about whatever it is that is causing you to feel the shame in the first place because, at its core, shame requires you to believe you are alone in order for it to maintain its power.

“Most people associate being vulnerable with weakness, uncertain risk, and exposure but in truth it’s about daring greatly.”

if we embrace the fact that no body is perfect, and begin to understand that being imperfect is not a curse but completely natural, then we can find the courage to share and see the beauty in rawness. There is courage in saying our truth and there is an opportunity for relief from internal struggle. If you can rewire out brains so that we can believe that what makes you vulnerable also makes you beautiful then it becomes a lot easier to accept parts of ourselves the once filled us with shame.

Sure it may not be comfortable to share but its also not suppose to be easy. That’s after all how shame keeps its power. It is banking on the fact that you will take the easier route. Talking about how you are felling, saying it aloud, sharing your fears not only makes it easier to expose what is really holding you back but also frees you from the power they had over you. Learning to embracing imperfection also believe it or not, makes you more relatable and beautiful because it gives you an opportunity to connect with others through a shared experience which can give you a sense of belonging.

Through empathy we can actually connect better with other. We can build connections, feel less alone, find acceptance for ourselves and more importantly move forward away from our deepest fears. We are able to turn to ourselves and finally say, ‘I am capable’, ‘I am deserving,’ and ‘I am enough’. Three statements shame tries to destroy in us if we let it.

“Shame needs three things to grow exponentially - secrecy, silence, and judgment. And when we numb vulnerability, we are also numbing joy, gratitude, happiness, purpose, creativity, a sense of belonging, love, and meaning.” - Brené Brown

if you can find the courage to embrace your vulnerability, to be imperfectly authentic, to talk about what you are scared of, you also open the door to beauty, growth, and healing and that is how you move forward when that little tiny voice in your head tells you, you can’t.

OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY - 5 Ways To Stop Self Sabotaging Yourself

ENTREPRENEUR.COM - 8 Ways to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Success

TALK SPACE - 4 Signs You’re Self-Sabotaging (+ How to Stop)

All right, so there you have it. Everything I know to help you better understand shame and why you may be self-sabotaging as well as why it’s important to embrace vulnerability and share what your feeling with others. If you have any comments about this episode please feel free to leave them in the comment section below and I hope everyone has a great week embracing vulnerability and I’ll see you again next Monday! CIAO!

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